I realize the gym is surrounded by mirrors. Wanna know why that is? If you answered "so I can see myself dancing!" or "so I can see how I look when I shadow box!" or "so I can see how I look when I flex while lifting!" Wrong, the mirrors are for none of that. They are actually there for 2 reasons:
1. so you can watch your form and make sure you are lifting correctly
2. to make the gym look bigger to potential clients
The mirror at home can be for your post work out pose down. Or it can be for brushing your teeth and combing your hair and you can not pose down in any mirrors at all, that is always an option... Albeit and unattractive option to some I am sure. Maybe those really drawn to the pose down can start a pose club and get some other people on Craigslist to meet up and pose down for each other, far away from the gym.
Interesting part about the pose down, those I see do it are pretty far from actual pose down quality. Those that might be competition ready NEVER pose and flex in the mirrors at the gym. They most likely save it for the stage they built in their house that has special lighting. Why pose in the crappy lighting of the gym, you won't look at huge until your oiled up and in a speedo anyways.
So, in short, if you're doing anything other than watching your form in the mirrors at the gym, then you are the douchebag.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, April 15, 2010
the hand dryer isn't for your ass
Of all things gym related, this is a fringe subject at best. However, the gym locker room is different than any other locker room anywhere.
The gym is full of people you don't know. When you take off your pants in a room full of people you don't know, there is no reason to start a conversation with any of the strangers around you. In fact, the locker room should be almost completely devoid of conversation. The exception to this, of course, is if you're in the locker room with a friend. Friend rules are tricky. By and large, the safest bet is, if you and your friend will both be showering, pretend you don't know each other. If only one of you is showering, the conversation should end before anyone is naked. What dude wants to stand around talking to another naked dude? Well, straight dudes anyways, I could see the taboo nature of it all getting a gay guy fired up. At this point gay guys, you do what your heart leads you to do, but understand you could end up being a total douche. This is all for the locker room/shower portion of the gym. The only thing I should hear in the shower portion of the gym is running water. The bathroom portion, normal guys bathroom rules apply, pretty straight forward. But the sink....the sink...and crossing between rooms....
At the sink, it is almost like not being in the locker room. You wanna have a little conversation there, cool. Just don't go in depth. The sink area in the locker room isn't where you have a heart to heart...if men ever enter into that behavior anyways....I am not sure that they do. The sink is the spot for the smallest of small talk, when necessary. You can yell from there to a friend who is in the locker room portion, if the two rooms are adjacent.
When going from one part of the locker room to another, keep in mind you're surrounded by strangers, none of whom want to see your ass. If you're going to take a shower, wrap up in your towel. You don't have a towel with you you say? Then you have no business taking a shower at the gym. The hand dryer is for your f-ing hands dbag, it says HAND dryer right in the name. If your holding your sack over the hot air making sure your taint is nice and dry, then you sir, are a douche bag. Hair in the hand dryer being the only possible exception. And then you only get one turn. If you're drying your hair in the hand dryer for more than one go around, then you are a douche.
Think of the locker room as a hit, or a bank job. Get in and get out. There is no reason to hang around in there. The TVs are to help you feel less awkward about the lack of conversation. Don't feel you need to pay attention to what's on them. Really, pretend the locker room could blow up at any second. Do you want to hang around in a room that could blow up any second? Only if you're a total douche bag.
This of course if the men's locker room only. The ladies locker room is a never never land of wonder and delight....in a guys mind anyways. In reality, prolly plenty of similar things go on in there as well. I will never know though because I am not a dbag, so I won't claim I need to do research just to spend time in there. I think I am going to enjoy my ignorance of & mystery of the ladies locker room and continue to believe that it is full of magical delight, pillow fights, whipcream dreams and making out.
The gym is full of people you don't know. When you take off your pants in a room full of people you don't know, there is no reason to start a conversation with any of the strangers around you. In fact, the locker room should be almost completely devoid of conversation. The exception to this, of course, is if you're in the locker room with a friend. Friend rules are tricky. By and large, the safest bet is, if you and your friend will both be showering, pretend you don't know each other. If only one of you is showering, the conversation should end before anyone is naked. What dude wants to stand around talking to another naked dude? Well, straight dudes anyways, I could see the taboo nature of it all getting a gay guy fired up. At this point gay guys, you do what your heart leads you to do, but understand you could end up being a total douche. This is all for the locker room/shower portion of the gym. The only thing I should hear in the shower portion of the gym is running water. The bathroom portion, normal guys bathroom rules apply, pretty straight forward. But the sink....the sink...and crossing between rooms....
At the sink, it is almost like not being in the locker room. You wanna have a little conversation there, cool. Just don't go in depth. The sink area in the locker room isn't where you have a heart to heart...if men ever enter into that behavior anyways....I am not sure that they do. The sink is the spot for the smallest of small talk, when necessary. You can yell from there to a friend who is in the locker room portion, if the two rooms are adjacent.
When going from one part of the locker room to another, keep in mind you're surrounded by strangers, none of whom want to see your ass. If you're going to take a shower, wrap up in your towel. You don't have a towel with you you say? Then you have no business taking a shower at the gym. The hand dryer is for your f-ing hands dbag, it says HAND dryer right in the name. If your holding your sack over the hot air making sure your taint is nice and dry, then you sir, are a douche bag. Hair in the hand dryer being the only possible exception. And then you only get one turn. If you're drying your hair in the hand dryer for more than one go around, then you are a douche.
Think of the locker room as a hit, or a bank job. Get in and get out. There is no reason to hang around in there. The TVs are to help you feel less awkward about the lack of conversation. Don't feel you need to pay attention to what's on them. Really, pretend the locker room could blow up at any second. Do you want to hang around in a room that could blow up any second? Only if you're a total douche bag.
This of course if the men's locker room only. The ladies locker room is a never never land of wonder and delight....in a guys mind anyways. In reality, prolly plenty of similar things go on in there as well. I will never know though because I am not a dbag, so I won't claim I need to do research just to spend time in there. I think I am going to enjoy my ignorance of & mystery of the ladies locker room and continue to believe that it is full of magical delight, pillow fights, whipcream dreams and making out.
Douchery on Deck
I just looked at some of the draft posts Peteicus-X is putting together. They're not published yet, so you haven't seen them yet. But I have, and there's some good stuff on the way. Unless you like to wear dolphin shorts or Speedos or chick-looking tops (if you're a dude) or wifebeaters and gold chains. Then you'll be sad. But at least you'll know you're a douche. And knowing is half the battle.
The No-Brainers
Let's get the basics out of the way real quick so we can move on:
Flexing/posing in the mirror. Even if you've got the goods, there's no reason for even the smallest pec-squeeze directed toward the gym mirror. It screams out one of two things: "I'm sooo in love with me", or "I'm so insecure I could almost pee in my Joe Boxers." Yes, flexing brings out muscle striations, but if you're not 3% bodyfat and getting ready for a contest, you can save that shit for home. Even then you don't need a mirror; that's just egotistic douchebaggery.
Dancing in the mirror. Save it for your floor-length bedroom mirror next to your Jersey Shore poster.
Shadow boxing. If you're not in a boxing gym or a dojo, nobody's going to think you're anything but a poser d-bag. Which you are.
Grunting. There's the grunting that comes with extreme physical effort, and there's grunting to get everyone to look at you. Anyone who's been to the gym twice can tell the difference. The diabolical problem with d-bag grunting is that it's self-re-enforcing. This is due to the sad but undeniable fact that a douchebag is incapable of discerning the difference between a look of admiration and a look of "haha, what a douche." The result is the saddest bit of logical thought you're likely to find: "I grunt when I lift. People around me look on in admiration. I'll grunt louder." Douche. Moving on.
Flexing/posing in the mirror. Even if you've got the goods, there's no reason for even the smallest pec-squeeze directed toward the gym mirror. It screams out one of two things: "I'm sooo in love with me", or "I'm so insecure I could almost pee in my Joe Boxers." Yes, flexing brings out muscle striations, but if you're not 3% bodyfat and getting ready for a contest, you can save that shit for home. Even then you don't need a mirror; that's just egotistic douchebaggery.
Dancing in the mirror. Save it for your floor-length bedroom mirror next to your Jersey Shore poster.
Shadow boxing. If you're not in a boxing gym or a dojo, nobody's going to think you're anything but a poser d-bag. Which you are.
Grunting. There's the grunting that comes with extreme physical effort, and there's grunting to get everyone to look at you. Anyone who's been to the gym twice can tell the difference. The diabolical problem with d-bag grunting is that it's self-re-enforcing. This is due to the sad but undeniable fact that a douchebag is incapable of discerning the difference between a look of admiration and a look of "haha, what a douche." The result is the saddest bit of logical thought you're likely to find: "I grunt when I lift. People around me look on in admiration. I'll grunt louder." Douche. Moving on.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Couldn't be done in just one post...
If youre here, obviously it is because you were already an enormous fan of the aplentus blog. Who isn't, and how could you not be really...
Lately, I have been thinking, 'I need to write a post about how not to be a douche bag at the gym'. I go to the gym, fairly often, and have noticed a significant amount of d-bagging happening. Some completely blatant and totally overt and intentional, others more covert and unintentional. Either way though, it all comes down to being a douche, and I am guessing that no one wants to be a douche, right? If you do want to be a douche, well, guess what, you already are just for wanting to be one, it is that easy, now stay clear of the gym...and my life in general. If you don't want to be one, specifically when you are at the gym, here is an ongoing blog you can read and learn things not to do. If you are interested in starting a gym membership, the following posts are good guidelines to follow in order to spare everyone of your possible complete douchebaggery.
To mix things up a little, I have invited my good friend Woodwelder to post to this blog as well. He and I work out together and often end up laughing at the varieties of dbags at the gym.
Hopefully, what follows will be educational and enlightening.
Lately, I have been thinking, 'I need to write a post about how not to be a douche bag at the gym'. I go to the gym, fairly often, and have noticed a significant amount of d-bagging happening. Some completely blatant and totally overt and intentional, others more covert and unintentional. Either way though, it all comes down to being a douche, and I am guessing that no one wants to be a douche, right? If you do want to be a douche, well, guess what, you already are just for wanting to be one, it is that easy, now stay clear of the gym...and my life in general. If you don't want to be one, specifically when you are at the gym, here is an ongoing blog you can read and learn things not to do. If you are interested in starting a gym membership, the following posts are good guidelines to follow in order to spare everyone of your possible complete douchebaggery.
To mix things up a little, I have invited my good friend Woodwelder to post to this blog as well. He and I work out together and often end up laughing at the varieties of dbags at the gym.
Hopefully, what follows will be educational and enlightening.
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